Right now I can feel my post partum poking its ugly head up. It’s in there trying to come out but I keep pushing it down. The smallest things bring tears to me eyes and always during the worst moments too. When I am driving, in a busy parking lot while I try to strap her into the carseat, in a room full of people… It’s like deep inside me is a sad little girl who wants to lash out and as a day or two goes by she gets angrier and louder. I feel overwhelmed by the smallest things that wouldn’t normally affect me. My daughter fights her diaper changes with all her might ALL the time… but today it was almost too much to handle. Her meltdowns made my heart ache and I started to cry with her. I wanted to collapse on the floor and just shatter. I didn’t do all the laundry that I have been meaning to do for the past week and it made me want to cry even more. Laundry. Stupid laundry. I’m so tired and so over it. But I cant just be over it so I keep pushing forward because I have to. I look in the mirror and I’m not sure who I am looking at anymore? I see me but it’s like a shell of someone I don’t recognize. She looks tired and worn out and her smile she once wore has been gone for a while now. I know this feeling all too well and have been working hard to rid myself of it. Talk out loud about it, sleep more, don’t make myself too overtired or overwhelmed, drink more water, eat better… but here we are again. I called my natural path and booked an appointment for next week. With work on the horizon, daycare starting next week, my husband about to leave for work for the entire winter… I’m trying hard to cope but I’m starting to fray at the ends. The seams are too tight and somethings going to give soon… I can feel it. It’s all just so much and I am so weak inside already I fear I wont be able to handle it all. Last time I cried for an entire afternoon and night… this feels like another strong storm coming. My mom guilts so high right now and I know I’m being ridiculous but cannot help it. I’m sad to go back to work yet excited to have a break away… and for that I feel so guilty. My heart also breaks knowing I wont spend entire days with her soon… when I have only spent 5 whole days away from her since she was born. The battle in my heart and head are going to come to a front soon… I can only push it away for so long before it takes over me. I know I’ll be okay, I just don’t want to feel what’s looming around my internal corners. I tell myself its okay to cry because it is, I just don’t know if I’ll be able to stop once it starts. Im trying to be strong but the weights getting too heavy. I take deep breaths and hope it’ll pass. My happiness is dim but I need to regain my balance and find my light. I know I’m not broken I am just having an extremely low moment… but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with in the now. Please pass soon so I can feel like myself once more… I don’t know if I can handle another breakdown right now.
… I wrote this before I went back to work and before I had seen my natural path. I had been having continuous moments like this where I felt like I was breaking apart inside. Every horrible emotion one could feel I felt it time and time again. I would cry for hours when I finally did cry… relief surrounded by sadness was all I felt during it too. Felt good to get it out but didn’t fix it or make it better right away. I hardly spoke about it to anyone because I didn’t think anyone would understand or if I even knew how to properly express my feelings. I tried to with my husband and it was hard to even find words to explain the confusion in my own head… But, this day is the day I booked an appointment to get help for it.
Postpartum depression is a serious issue and so many mothers suffer internally thinking it is just them and no one else could possibly feel this way too. It takes 9 months to make a human and your body goes through so many changes physically and hormonally… it takes a while to get back to “normal”. I put normal in abbreviations because I don’t think you ever really remember what normal was after a baby. It took me over a year of feeling the above to finally go get help… and within but a few days I started to feel so much better too. If you or someone you know has felt or is feeling this… go see a doctor. Any doctor for that matter and get help. You’re not alone and don’t need to feel this way anymore. Mom guilt on a normal day is always high but it’s through the roof when you’re depressed too.
Don’t get me wrong… I still have my meltdowns. They are no wear near as debilitating as post partum though. I’ll cry, get super angry and speak my truth, eventually calm down, pull up my big girl panties and move on. I am happy before and after them though. I just get so tired and worn down I fall apart briefly. Still nothing near as difficult to manage than my post partum. Being a mother is so hard… its okay to not be okay. Just recognize the difference between when you need to get help versus when you maybe just need a nap or just need to hand out a throat punch to someone.